Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
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me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Well, that should do it
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
It has been 3 years since Monday.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.