i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
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Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds