Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
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7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.