*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
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When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!