“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
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My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
(2022)
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were