*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
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“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water