Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
You Might Also Like
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Note to self: I am a note
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES