I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
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[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
twitter users today:
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
😅😅😅
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows