SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
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My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?