He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
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Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
*exercises sarcastically*
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Breaking news:
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year