There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
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I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
a lot to unpack here
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton