ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
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Shoo shoo! 😂
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
This story is comedy gold 😂
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Life cycle of cat
We need more people like this.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
No, he would not have.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I know a bad idea when I see one.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)