Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
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you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I have two kinds of followers
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
There’s only one good girl here!
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.