I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
You Might Also Like
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
The glockness monster
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls