The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
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ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Pass gas, not judgment.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents