People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
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You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night