You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
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There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.