My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
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Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project