God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
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I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Oh, I bet you would be
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona