Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
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At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
#Caturday
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Mummies are just super modest zombies
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.