Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
You Might Also Like
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order