honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
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Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha