“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
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them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
181.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”