Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
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My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification