My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
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[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more