The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
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Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?