who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
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Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.