[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
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How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?