Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
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Haha good job!!
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class