the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
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People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Good morning
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.