[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
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Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.