A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
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My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over