[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
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Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
yeah not falling for this one
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
im all 3
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Growing out my freckles.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.