My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
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[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Duolingo getting serious.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
i could never be president. im overqualified.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Yup.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?