Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
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Just say no
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Sponch
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.