If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
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this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.