Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
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Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]