Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
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I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever