I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
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I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.