ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
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Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
accurate
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
inside you are two wolves
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
wtf management?!
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH