son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
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This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage