babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
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I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Only a mother’s love …
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Help Wanted
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.