My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
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I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.