You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
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The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it