Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
You Might Also Like
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂