*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
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What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??