6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
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In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT