THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
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Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.