“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
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Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die