I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
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We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
yall want some gasoline milk
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT